La muerte de alguien a quien queremos es siempre dolorosa y difícil de superar, y es una de las cosas que todos en algún momento, antes o después, vamos a tener que experienciar, porque es condición inherente al ser humano.

Y que nos duela tanto es el precio que tenemos que pagar por haber tenido la suerte de poder establecer un vínculo afectivo auténtico con esa persona, que muy probablemente, nos ha servido para conocernos más, y nos ha aportado seguridad, confianza, afecto sincero, compañía, disfrute y alegría.

La máxima expresión del dolor de la pérdida se produce cuando los que perdemos son nuestras figuras de apego, las personas que nos dieron la vida a nivel biológico o que nos criaron. Si tuvimos suerte, y en el mejor de los casos, transmitiéndonos un cariño y una valoración seguros, que nos ayudaron a construirnos de manera sana en todos los niveles. La sensación de desarraigo y soledad que se experimenta es tal, que, aunque el proceso de crianza haya sido el peor de todos, y se haya caracterizado por ausencia de afecto, negligencia en el cuidado, maltrato o abuso, aun así, la persona experimenta las mismas sensaciones negativas,  pero de manera todavía más complicada.

Pero existe todavía un duelo mucho peor, que es el que genera, además de todo el dolor, una sensación de ruptura, vacío y pérdida de uno mismo a nivel psíquico interno y corporal. La pérdida de un hijo es una de las experiencias que, como seres humanos, creo que estamos menos preparados para poder elaborar en su totalidad. Personalmente, y por los testimonios de pacientes y gente que han tenido la desgracia de sufrirlo, he llegado a la conclusión de que se sigue sobreviviendo, y mucho es eso ya.

Nuestro proceso natural para afrontar y superar experiencias traumáticas nos ayuda, a la mayoría, a poder ir llevando a cabo el proceso de elaboración necesario cuando alguien significativo para nosotros muere. Pero hay veces, como ocurre con cualquier otra situación traumática, que este proceso queda bloqueado porque el impacto psíquico ha sido demasiado intenso: muerte repentina, accidental, o que sucede añadida a procesos emocionales negativos ya cronificados, o que no se legitima por diferentes circunstancias…

O, como en el caso de la pandemia que nos está arrasando en tantos sentidos, muertes que no pueden ser lloradas, porque ni siquiera se puede estar cerca físicamente de la persona que se ha ido, ni acompañarla y confortarla antes de que lo hiciera, cuando más necesitaba no estar sola.

Ni siquiera hay momento ni lugar para el proceso normal de despedida, ese  que universalmente, y de manera diferente en cada cultura, nos permite una progresión en la manifestación de nuestra tristeza, porque estamos acompañados y podemos expresarlo, y nos pueden sostener.

Ahora no. Y por eso, las sensaciones emocionales negativas, se intensifican mucho más, y son mucho más difíciles de sostener y de asumir. Tristeza, rabia, impotencia, frustración, ansiedad, miedo, confusión, culpa…

¿Cómo hacer entonces? Por mucho que se legitime de palabra el dolor que se está sufriendo por la pérdida, no se permite circunstancialmente sufrirlo de la manera en la que se necesita, y en la que todo el ser en su esencia y por naturaleza demanda…

A pesar de todo esto, las personas poseemos recursos, siempre tenemos más de los que creemos para hacer frente a lo inevitable. Podemos ayudarnos a ir haciendo lo necesario, aunque haya otras elaboraciones que tengamos que postergar.

Sí podemos expresarlo, hablarlo, pensarlo, soñarlo. Compartirlo aunque sea en la distancia física con las personas que siguen aquí con nosotros. Llorar, gritar, negar, enfadarse, hablar con y de la persona que ya no está con nosotros, despedirnos de ella a nuestra manera, como necesitemos, con libertad.

 Y, sobre todo, permitiéndonos sentir el dolor, no evadiéndonos de él, sino compensando día a día la dureza de su invasión con momentos de tranquilidad, serenidad, e incluso alegría y risas, en el recuerdo al hablar de lo vivido y sentido, y de lo que nos ha quedado por vivir y sentir.

Nada fácil de hacer, pero sí posible, aunque sea en el mínimo grado, lo suficiente para que el duelo no se complique y para prevenir que una sintomatología postraumática haga su entrada dentro de unos meses, cuando ya todo parezca tranquilo…

Una indicación o consejo: lo puedes ir haciendo solo/a, pero si ves que no te sientes capaz y que te desborda, pide ayuda, es normal, hay profesionales que te pueden ayudar a ir gestionándolo, no te niegues esa posibilidad.

Desde aquí mi más sentido pésame y toda la fuerza a todas esas personas, por desgracia demasiadas, que están inmersas y nadando contra corriente en ese dolor, y que se merecen toda la legitimidad ante cualquier posible reacción emocional que estén teniendo.

“Da palabras de tristeza; el dolor que no habla agarra el corazón forjado y lo obliga a romperse”. William Shakespeare.

TEARS IN HEAVEN

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